Depression in young people.

It's been quite a while since I wrote on here. Partly because life has been busy, partly because my son began to get better. This week has been half term here and my son was due to go away with the school on an adventure holiday. He went last year with his old school and absolutely loved it. It was touch and go this year as to whether he would be well enough to go, but in the end he did go and we were very proud of that.

My husband, eldest son and I were looking forward to a stress free week together. Sadly this only lasted 2 days. On the second day we got a phone call to say my son was not coping, wouldn't stop crying. I came off the phone and couldn't stop my own tears dripping down my face. We drove home from the garden centre where we had been having lunch and I packed a bag to drive down to the coast.

Before I left the three of us just held each other quietly. Then off I went.

When I got there to pick him up he was silent, subdued ...  a shadow of what he was this time last year. We drove home together and as we got closer to home he began to cheer up. We started to sing along to the radio.

This whole experience is exhausting as a parent. To be with someone who is constantly negative, constantly needy is so incredibly draining. I try to be patient, loving, reassuring, but some days its too much. I just want to scream.

The therapy sessions he is having with CAMHS are appalling so far. The therapist is an incompetent nincompoop. I phoned my GP on Friday, having reached a low ebb and was told by the delightful receptionist to phone back next Thursday ... or I could have an appointment on the 3rd July. I curbed my impulse to say that I hoped my son hadn't actually killed himself by next Thursday and asked if there was nothing sooner bearing in mind my 12 year old's desire to be dead. A vacancy in the doctor's schedule on Monday miraculously opened. But that was still 3 days away.

This whole experience has revealed to me the hopeless position one is in when confronted by illness like this. You have to fight for everything.

So ... tomorrow my jobs are:

• phone GP to discuss uselessness of CAMHS therapist ( does he even have a qualification??)
• phone school to ask SENCO for appointment for help.
• Try and push for counselling somewhere effective.

I so desperately want my son to be better. I look at photos of him a year ago and wish I could get him back. I just have to stay positive. He did start to get better and this is just a set back. We are in a far better position than some people.

Bullying in the work place.

How do you fight against lies? What do you do when your immediate superior lies about things you have supposedly done, not done, said or not said? How do you fight against someone who feeds a steady drip of very believable lies to those around you?

There are days when my heart beats out of my chest as I approach my place of work. I am just beginning to realise that this person has been making allegations against me for months. I have never been told to my face that I am doing anything wrong. When I have asked if I can do more to help I have been told no, you are doing everything that is asked of you.

I can take criticism - I am not perfect, I know that. But I will not consent to lies being put on my permanent record as fact. When you are being bullied I am beginning to realise that the onus of proof is on the person being bullied. Nobody can understand how much shit you go through before you even think of going for help. And when help is not forthcoming ... Its bloody awful.

When there are only the two of you party to the behaviour that constitutes bullying then it is your word against theirs. It is exhausting. I want to quit my job, but I don't feel I should be pushed out.

What is happening to me? My son up and down, needing my love and support and me finding it hard enough to get myself up in the morning, never mind look after him. Thank God for my husband who is strong for us both. He has been wonderful lately - so caring and loving. This is like a hideous nightmare.

I have been told not to speak of this situation so as not to undermine my superior. I can understand that to a certain extent, but it is putting unbearable pressure on me to put on a happy face all the time. There has been no investigation into my claims.

I am so pissed off. I don't want to go my union route as I just want to come in and do my job - not cause a huge stink. If I went that way how could I continue to work at this place? They would hate me for rocking the boat. How can you fight someone who lies so consummately? She is beating me.

Update.

I haven't been on here for a while as life has been very busy. My son continues to be up and down in his behaviour, but I think I can say, with relief, that the trend appears to be a positive and upwards one. Thank Goodness. I am almost afraid to write that down in case its bad luck, but I think its the truth.

Its still pretty exhausting at times, but he is getting slowly better. Tomorrow we have our first appointment with CAMHS ( Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service) which will be interesting. Fingers crossed.

I have deleted my last post regarding my work situation. Although I know that I am in the right and have done nothing wrong I feel very uncomfortable even speaking about it to the powers that be, never mind writing about it. Even anonymous posts are too dangerous so its best I stay schtum.

Its not over yet, but I hope it soon will be.

Hypnotherapist.

We went to the hypnotherapist today. My son had been having a slightly more positive day, but after seeing her he went downhill. He thought she was rubbish - a "stupid cow" in his words. Personally I thought she was lovely and very good with him.

I have done my best to be calm and positive with him tonight. He went to bed in pieces but I managed to calm him down. I used something my dad taught me - imagining you are lying in the warm sun, touching the sand with your fingers and feeling the sun move up your body from the toes to the top of your head, relaxing your muscles as it goes, releasing the tension out of the ends of your fingers and the top of your head. I was amazed as he completely calmed down, relaxed and went to sleep.

I took my eldest boy to football training and on the way back I stopped in the driveway to phone my mum. Funny how mums are needed even when your 48. Actually my brother answered the phone and I had a mini melt down with him. I spend so much of my time being strong for everyone that sometimes I just have to let it all go. I still have written nothing for my essay and have just now finished planning my lesson for tomorrow. It's 23.19 and I feel rather empty.

A good night's sleep will make me feel better, but I dread each morning, having to go into his bedroom, not knowing how he will be.

Its just a few weeks ago, February, that he was fine. When we get through this I am going to appreciate every song he sings, every joke he tells, everything.

And so life continues ...

An incredibly frustrating day with my son clinging to me most of the day, not eating because he's frightened he will be sick. I have not been able to do any reading or plan my lesson for tomorrow. I don't feel capable of doing those things. All I want is this to be over.

I have to face work tomorrow which I am dreading. The difficulties between the woman I work with and myself got worse before Easter as although she is being nicer to me after I threatened a bullying in the work place action, she still treats the children with coldness and disdain. I am not prepared to stand by and watch that so raised it in what was to be our last meeting with our line manager. If looks could have killed I would be stone dead.

So, all in all life is not a bundle of roses right now, if that's the right expression - I fear not.

At least I have managed to get an appointment for my son with the hypnotherapist. I really hope she is able to do something for him. He seems up for it, which is good.

I am feeling like such a bad mother. I have struggled with motherhood and right now although I am doing my best to be calm and loving I just want to scream. Surely I should be filled with compassion and caring concern? Actually I am just totally pissed off with the whole situation. I wonder if I am somehow to blame for all of it. Did I react in a way that triggered it all when my son threw up that night?

I am also really afraid that after 3 years of bloody hard work on my Degree course I am going to end up failing because of this.At the moment, on this module, I am averaging 89.75%, but I have an essay due in a week on Thursday and God knows how I am going to be able to write it.

I am one exhausted, frustrated woman.

Emetophobia

I am beginning to forget what ordinary life is like. I've just realised that I forgot to go to my Pilates class half an hour ago as I was dealing with my son again. I have done only an hour of reading for my OU course this holiday because of the stress of it all.

I need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too, but when you are trying to be supportive and calm the things that you need to do in your life go out of the window. I found myself the other day, out and about, and finding any excuse not to come home. As I eventually did drive home my tummy filled with dread the closer I got.

I have found out that the reason for my son's misery is his fear of being sick. This is, apparently, a very common fear and this fear creates the domino effect of anxiety and misery. I have contacted a friend who is a hypnotherapist in the hope that this might help. My father was a big believer in hypnotherapy, using it in his work as a GP.

Tomorrow my boys go back to school and I have been in touch with the Student Support centre who say I can drop him off with them first thing and then they will get him into lessons. Fingers crossed it will go ok.

In the meantime I am eating for England. groan.

Trying to be normal in the face of despair.

The last couple of days have been very hard. Yesterday I comforted my son as he screamed and sobbed, begging me to kill him. He just kept saying that he wanted to die.

I found the strength from somewhere to stay very calm and eventually he calmed down and was exhausted.

Our doctor has been very understanding, although things are moving very slowly. He faxed CAMHS again to ask them to phone us and maybe move our appointment closer. The appointment has not been moved yet, but I was called today by a lovely lady who gave me encouragement. Basically we are doing all we can do. There is no magic cure. She did give me the number of a Mental Health Helpline, so at least I can talk to someone if it gets really bad.

This is so draining and I am aware that I am wandering about with hair that looks like crap and no make up - not like me at all. I must be careful not to let myself go down the route of depression, especially when my husband goes back to work on Sunday.

My eldest son is being incredible. He is just wonderful - so solid and yet not losing his wry sense of humour.

So, onwards and upwards. We all played tennis together today and the boys are off out now to play football. I am off to get food for tomorrow night when we are having friends over. We have both thought about cancelling, but we both think that we need a night with good friends and a few drinks. They will understand the situation.

Right. I must get going.Thanks for reading.