On the way to recovery

Right. Its been a long time since I posted and that is for good reasons. My son is beginning to get there as far as his moods go. The change has happened so slowly that it has been hardly noticeable, but the most important thing is that change has come.

He is not worrying as much any more and he is not obsessed with sickness or sadness. He is even laughing again, which may not sound much, but there was a time when I thought I might never hear him laugh again.

We are no longer going to CAMHS as the therapist felt that there was little more he could do for my son. I think the main reason for this was that my son refused point blank to open up to the man. It was a losing battle because my boy just did not respect or trust him. Personally I grew to like him and felt that he was trying hard to help, but our initial appointments where the therapist showed an amazing level of incompetence set the tone for my son's opinion.

An important point to remember for anyone out there ... Be ready, be on time for your patients, prepare the correct forms to be filled, read the instructions for your camera so that you don't spend pointless minutes fiddling about trying to turn the thing on ...

The great thing is that we have an open door for us in the future. The therapist told me that if my son starts to have problems again we can phone and go to visit. That is a relief for me as it took so long to get help in the first place.

I am not confident that my son will continue problem and depression free forever, but I hope he does and I am now better equipped to help him if he does start to have problems.

This whole episode has been so scary. I feel that I have coped more or less on my own for lots of it and having this blog has helped so much. I have always needed to write about my worries and problems and this has definitely been incredibly stressful. To see someone you love in such desperate straights is appalling and it has opened my eyes to the struggle people have to go through to get help. You would think that doctors would leap to help you and your child, but no, you have to fight and fight.

I just count us so incredibly fortunate that he seems to be on the way to recovery.

Anxiety continues.

School starts tomorrow for my sons. Son #2, my son who is struggling with anxiety issues, is full of worries about tomorrow. I try to be calm and talk about positive things, but he cannot see how he will ever be better. I just don't understand what he is worried about or why he becomes so consumed with anxiety. This summer holiday he has been pretty good, pretty normal.

He continues to see a therapist once a week through CAMHS who is using CBT but I can't see that it is having much effect. My son is stubborn and finds it difficult to open up to a stranger who he doesn't particularly like.

I just want him to be better, to live a normal life, to be happy. We have had times in the last 6 months when I longed to hear him laugh again and, thank goodness, he has laughed over these holidays. But we are back again to him being drawn and shadowed. I don't know how parents with seriously ill children cope because I find this situation so difficult. I keep plodding on, but just as I think things are getting better they crash back down.

His sadness and fear impact on his life in a way that is heartbreaking. He is such a bright, funny, cheerful boy ... or, at least, he was. I just don't understand this change. I hope that a new year at school brings new confidence and an end to this 6 months of awfulness.

Depression in young people.

It's been quite a while since I wrote on here. Partly because life has been busy, partly because my son began to get better. This week has been half term here and my son was due to go away with the school on an adventure holiday. He went last year with his old school and absolutely loved it. It was touch and go this year as to whether he would be well enough to go, but in the end he did go and we were very proud of that.

My husband, eldest son and I were looking forward to a stress free week together. Sadly this only lasted 2 days. On the second day we got a phone call to say my son was not coping, wouldn't stop crying. I came off the phone and couldn't stop my own tears dripping down my face. We drove home from the garden centre where we had been having lunch and I packed a bag to drive down to the coast.

Before I left the three of us just held each other quietly. Then off I went.

When I got there to pick him up he was silent, subdued ...  a shadow of what he was this time last year. We drove home together and as we got closer to home he began to cheer up. We started to sing along to the radio.

This whole experience is exhausting as a parent. To be with someone who is constantly negative, constantly needy is so incredibly draining. I try to be patient, loving, reassuring, but some days its too much. I just want to scream.

The therapy sessions he is having with CAMHS are appalling so far. The therapist is an incompetent nincompoop. I phoned my GP on Friday, having reached a low ebb and was told by the delightful receptionist to phone back next Thursday ... or I could have an appointment on the 3rd July. I curbed my impulse to say that I hoped my son hadn't actually killed himself by next Thursday and asked if there was nothing sooner bearing in mind my 12 year old's desire to be dead. A vacancy in the doctor's schedule on Monday miraculously opened. But that was still 3 days away.

This whole experience has revealed to me the hopeless position one is in when confronted by illness like this. You have to fight for everything.

So ... tomorrow my jobs are:

• phone GP to discuss uselessness of CAMHS therapist ( does he even have a qualification??)
• phone school to ask SENCO for appointment for help.
• Try and push for counselling somewhere effective.

I so desperately want my son to be better. I look at photos of him a year ago and wish I could get him back. I just have to stay positive. He did start to get better and this is just a set back. We are in a far better position than some people.

My first post.

This my first post on this, my new blog. This is to be my place of sanity. A place where I can write the things that are really bothering me, but can't write on my everyday blog. This is a place where nobody I know in real life will ever find me. I hope. I hope this will not be a place of misery or negativity, but if it is then please understand. I am not losing my mind. I am saving it by writing these words that otherwise swell up inside me like bitter poison.

I have been shopping with my son today. He is 12 and over the last several weeks he has suffered from anxiety ... depression. It came on shortly after we came back from holiday in February. He was violently sick before we left, well during the week and then started to be nervous, worry. He stopped eating. He began to talk of killing himself - wanting the feeling of sadness to end.

There is nothing so awful as holding your previously healthy son in your arms as he keens in misery - wailing and sobbing, his whole body wracked with despair, begging to be put out of his agony.

We took him for blood tests - normal. We tried to go privately to get help - our insurance wouldn't cover it. Our GP was lovely and referred him urgently to CAMHS   . We have an appointment with them in May. May.

We link his unhappiness to a mixture of hormones, new school and worrying about my husband and I. Especially my husband who hates his job and around whom we tend to walk on eggshells. He is our rock, but when he is unhappy or sad it affects the whole family.

My son has good days and bad days, but we never know what each morning will bring. Yesterday, after a couple of good days, he slipped back into his misery - howling, sobbing, wanting to be dead. I feel as though this is too much for my husband. I am coping alone. At work the other day I just broke down.

Today he is up and down. Our shopping trip was a nightmare as he goes from being suicidal to bouncing off the walls, singing and shouting. I am exhausted by his behaviour and frustrated by my husband's lack of understanding. Don't get me wrong - he is trying, but it is just too much for him to understand. But I feel myself getting so angry. I want to scream at my son to 'SHUT UP!!!!' but of course I don't.

I cannot believe that a boy of 12 has to wait so long to get help. By the time we have the first appointment with CAMHS it will be 3 months. 3 months coping with this sort of behaviour is horrendous. The one good thing is his school and their support. Without them I don't know where we would be.

Well ... that feels a bit better. At last I have written things down in a way other than factual diaries to take to the psychiatrist