Trying to be normal in the face of despair.

The last couple of days have been very hard. Yesterday I comforted my son as he screamed and sobbed, begging me to kill him. He just kept saying that he wanted to die.

I found the strength from somewhere to stay very calm and eventually he calmed down and was exhausted.

Our doctor has been very understanding, although things are moving very slowly. He faxed CAMHS again to ask them to phone us and maybe move our appointment closer. The appointment has not been moved yet, but I was called today by a lovely lady who gave me encouragement. Basically we are doing all we can do. There is no magic cure. She did give me the number of a Mental Health Helpline, so at least I can talk to someone if it gets really bad.

This is so draining and I am aware that I am wandering about with hair that looks like crap and no make up - not like me at all. I must be careful not to let myself go down the route of depression, especially when my husband goes back to work on Sunday.

My eldest son is being incredible. He is just wonderful - so solid and yet not losing his wry sense of humour.

So, onwards and upwards. We all played tennis together today and the boys are off out now to play football. I am off to get food for tomorrow night when we are having friends over. We have both thought about cancelling, but we both think that we need a night with good friends and a few drinks. They will understand the situation.

Right. I must get going.Thanks for reading.

Trying to be normal.

Today has been a better day. Although my son started off feeling sad and saying that there are only ten days of holiday left we kind of ignored him and treated him like a toddler who is having a tantrum. He eventually came downstairs and was fine.

My husband and I have joined a gym so we went off for our induction, leaving both boys at home. It was such a relief to have time together, just the two of us. Our relationship has been strained since February when we went skiing and he was, frankly, a pain in the arse. We actually enjoyed each others company this morning, although I did feel somewhat disappointed when he chose Tescos over my suggestion of the pub ...

Still, its a start. Over lunch my son has been a tad over the top, but not too bad. I can cope with the over the top happiness one hell of a lot better than with the sobbing and threats of suicide.

We have started to make sure we eat every meal at the table - no lazy lunches in front of the telly. Putting everything out in dishes so we can all help ourselves is a great improvement. My boy's eating has improved by 100% and doesn't seem to be an issue any more. This is thanks to my mum. My God but she has come through for us lately. We have had our ups and downs in the past, but she really is a rock and bloody astute too. We left the boys with her last Saturday as we were out late in London and when we got up on Sunday she had made notes on her observations of our son. As an ex nurse she is an experienced head who can look from a little more distance at our situation.

Well, that's it for now. I can't tell you what a relief it is to be able to write everything down, knowing that I am anonymous here. x

My first post.

This my first post on this, my new blog. This is to be my place of sanity. A place where I can write the things that are really bothering me, but can't write on my everyday blog. This is a place where nobody I know in real life will ever find me. I hope. I hope this will not be a place of misery or negativity, but if it is then please understand. I am not losing my mind. I am saving it by writing these words that otherwise swell up inside me like bitter poison.

I have been shopping with my son today. He is 12 and over the last several weeks he has suffered from anxiety ... depression. It came on shortly after we came back from holiday in February. He was violently sick before we left, well during the week and then started to be nervous, worry. He stopped eating. He began to talk of killing himself - wanting the feeling of sadness to end.

There is nothing so awful as holding your previously healthy son in your arms as he keens in misery - wailing and sobbing, his whole body wracked with despair, begging to be put out of his agony.

We took him for blood tests - normal. We tried to go privately to get help - our insurance wouldn't cover it. Our GP was lovely and referred him urgently to CAMHS   . We have an appointment with them in May. May.

We link his unhappiness to a mixture of hormones, new school and worrying about my husband and I. Especially my husband who hates his job and around whom we tend to walk on eggshells. He is our rock, but when he is unhappy or sad it affects the whole family.

My son has good days and bad days, but we never know what each morning will bring. Yesterday, after a couple of good days, he slipped back into his misery - howling, sobbing, wanting to be dead. I feel as though this is too much for my husband. I am coping alone. At work the other day I just broke down.

Today he is up and down. Our shopping trip was a nightmare as he goes from being suicidal to bouncing off the walls, singing and shouting. I am exhausted by his behaviour and frustrated by my husband's lack of understanding. Don't get me wrong - he is trying, but it is just too much for him to understand. But I feel myself getting so angry. I want to scream at my son to 'SHUT UP!!!!' but of course I don't.

I cannot believe that a boy of 12 has to wait so long to get help. By the time we have the first appointment with CAMHS it will be 3 months. 3 months coping with this sort of behaviour is horrendous. The one good thing is his school and their support. Without them I don't know where we would be.

Well ... that feels a bit better. At last I have written things down in a way other than factual diaries to take to the psychiatrist