New Term, an annoying husband and a good CBT for children book.

My husband is a miserable bugger sometimes. I am too, of course, but really ... He is really grumpy at the moment and having got up early then cooked a delicious lunch for him I was not impressed when he criticised it. It really was delicious, but the lack of compliments flowing from him made me ask him " Do you like it? Its yummy isn't it? " His reply was that yes it was nice, but that his noodles were stuck together. He was very lucky that he didn't get the bloody noodles over his head.

What is it with people who can't say nice things?? Did he need to say that some of the noodles were stuck together? Why couldn't he look for the positive? It wasn't that bad. It just pisses me off that I had worked hard, made a nice lunch and all he could do was criticise. I said to him " Can you not just be grateful I cooked you lunch? I've worked hard to make something delicious..." He tried to pass his comment off as a joke, but I didn't think it was funny.

I get annoyed that life is always worse for him. His work is harder. His body aches more than mine. For goodness sake. When he does cook, which is rarely, its always the same stuff - spag bol, roast if we're lucky. And I always praise what he does. Does he not realise that its me that cleans the toilet, does the shopping, hoovers, cooks,takes our son to all his therapist appointments ...

I am painting him in a bad light I realise and, to be honest, he is a good, kind man whom I love. Its just that sometimes a girl gets pissed off with their man and its easier to vent on here than to get into a full scale row. There are times I am glad that he works nights and I can just shut the door and settle down with a glass of wine by myself.

Changing the subject, my son's therapist recommended a book for me to read. It came yesterday and I'm about half way through. Its called Overcoming your child's fears and worries - A Guide for parents using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. by Cathy Cresswell and Lucy Willetts. So far it seems pretty good and I am hoping I can get my husband to read it too so we can both work off the same page with our boy.

Whether or not he will remains to be seen, but I will try. I think he finds all this very difficult ( dur ... don't we all??) and tends to bury his head in the sand or get frustrated. I might vent my frustrations on here, but in real life and infront of my son I am very calm and caring. My husband struggles to know how to behave, how to talk to him.

Anyway I hope the book will help. My son's first week at school went pretty well. He was upset the second day, but enjoyed it when he got there. And ... good news ... he walked in all three days. I really hope this term will be better.

Depression in young people.

It's been quite a while since I wrote on here. Partly because life has been busy, partly because my son began to get better. This week has been half term here and my son was due to go away with the school on an adventure holiday. He went last year with his old school and absolutely loved it. It was touch and go this year as to whether he would be well enough to go, but in the end he did go and we were very proud of that.

My husband, eldest son and I were looking forward to a stress free week together. Sadly this only lasted 2 days. On the second day we got a phone call to say my son was not coping, wouldn't stop crying. I came off the phone and couldn't stop my own tears dripping down my face. We drove home from the garden centre where we had been having lunch and I packed a bag to drive down to the coast.

Before I left the three of us just held each other quietly. Then off I went.

When I got there to pick him up he was silent, subdued ...  a shadow of what he was this time last year. We drove home together and as we got closer to home he began to cheer up. We started to sing along to the radio.

This whole experience is exhausting as a parent. To be with someone who is constantly negative, constantly needy is so incredibly draining. I try to be patient, loving, reassuring, but some days its too much. I just want to scream.

The therapy sessions he is having with CAMHS are appalling so far. The therapist is an incompetent nincompoop. I phoned my GP on Friday, having reached a low ebb and was told by the delightful receptionist to phone back next Thursday ... or I could have an appointment on the 3rd July. I curbed my impulse to say that I hoped my son hadn't actually killed himself by next Thursday and asked if there was nothing sooner bearing in mind my 12 year old's desire to be dead. A vacancy in the doctor's schedule on Monday miraculously opened. But that was still 3 days away.

This whole experience has revealed to me the hopeless position one is in when confronted by illness like this. You have to fight for everything.

So ... tomorrow my jobs are:

• phone GP to discuss uselessness of CAMHS therapist ( does he even have a qualification??)
• phone school to ask SENCO for appointment for help.
• Try and push for counselling somewhere effective.

I so desperately want my son to be better. I look at photos of him a year ago and wish I could get him back. I just have to stay positive. He did start to get better and this is just a set back. We are in a far better position than some people.

And so life continues ...

An incredibly frustrating day with my son clinging to me most of the day, not eating because he's frightened he will be sick. I have not been able to do any reading or plan my lesson for tomorrow. I don't feel capable of doing those things. All I want is this to be over.

I have to face work tomorrow which I am dreading. The difficulties between the woman I work with and myself got worse before Easter as although she is being nicer to me after I threatened a bullying in the work place action, she still treats the children with coldness and disdain. I am not prepared to stand by and watch that so raised it in what was to be our last meeting with our line manager. If looks could have killed I would be stone dead.

So, all in all life is not a bundle of roses right now, if that's the right expression - I fear not.

At least I have managed to get an appointment for my son with the hypnotherapist. I really hope she is able to do something for him. He seems up for it, which is good.

I am feeling like such a bad mother. I have struggled with motherhood and right now although I am doing my best to be calm and loving I just want to scream. Surely I should be filled with compassion and caring concern? Actually I am just totally pissed off with the whole situation. I wonder if I am somehow to blame for all of it. Did I react in a way that triggered it all when my son threw up that night?

I am also really afraid that after 3 years of bloody hard work on my Degree course I am going to end up failing because of this.At the moment, on this module, I am averaging 89.75%, but I have an essay due in a week on Thursday and God knows how I am going to be able to write it.

I am one exhausted, frustrated woman.

Emetophobia

I am beginning to forget what ordinary life is like. I've just realised that I forgot to go to my Pilates class half an hour ago as I was dealing with my son again. I have done only an hour of reading for my OU course this holiday because of the stress of it all.

I need to plan a lesson for tomorrow too, but when you are trying to be supportive and calm the things that you need to do in your life go out of the window. I found myself the other day, out and about, and finding any excuse not to come home. As I eventually did drive home my tummy filled with dread the closer I got.

I have found out that the reason for my son's misery is his fear of being sick. This is, apparently, a very common fear and this fear creates the domino effect of anxiety and misery. I have contacted a friend who is a hypnotherapist in the hope that this might help. My father was a big believer in hypnotherapy, using it in his work as a GP.

Tomorrow my boys go back to school and I have been in touch with the Student Support centre who say I can drop him off with them first thing and then they will get him into lessons. Fingers crossed it will go ok.

In the meantime I am eating for England. groan.

Trying to be normal in the face of despair.

The last couple of days have been very hard. Yesterday I comforted my son as he screamed and sobbed, begging me to kill him. He just kept saying that he wanted to die.

I found the strength from somewhere to stay very calm and eventually he calmed down and was exhausted.

Our doctor has been very understanding, although things are moving very slowly. He faxed CAMHS again to ask them to phone us and maybe move our appointment closer. The appointment has not been moved yet, but I was called today by a lovely lady who gave me encouragement. Basically we are doing all we can do. There is no magic cure. She did give me the number of a Mental Health Helpline, so at least I can talk to someone if it gets really bad.

This is so draining and I am aware that I am wandering about with hair that looks like crap and no make up - not like me at all. I must be careful not to let myself go down the route of depression, especially when my husband goes back to work on Sunday.

My eldest son is being incredible. He is just wonderful - so solid and yet not losing his wry sense of humour.

So, onwards and upwards. We all played tennis together today and the boys are off out now to play football. I am off to get food for tomorrow night when we are having friends over. We have both thought about cancelling, but we both think that we need a night with good friends and a few drinks. They will understand the situation.

Right. I must get going.Thanks for reading.