My son's battle with dread and fear.

I have to write tonight or I will explode. A bad day today for my son. Physically he is grey and drawn. Emotionally he is sad and worried. This morning he was hard to get out of bed and bolshy as well as tearful. Things were good last week when he went back to school and I, foolishly, thought that it was all going to be ok. I should have known that was being rather too optimistic.

My new book on CBT and coping with an anxious child doesn't tell me how to cope with these situations. I am left angry, frustrated, desperately sad for my little boy. He tells me he is now in set 3 of all his subjects, a move downwards. He comes home from school quite happy, but gets sadder as the evening goes on. He tries hard with his homework, but gets bad tempered when he can't do things.

I don't know what we would do without student support at his school. They are just lovely and they know how to get him to lessons, calm him down.

I just don't know what to do. The summer holidays were pretty good, but now we are plunged back into the uncertainty, the misery, the tears and the fear. I am so afraid that he will spend his whole life battling mental illness. I can't tell you what a beautiful, talented boy he is, but when I see him grey and drawn, besieged by dread and worry, I am lost. Lost. I want to help him, but I fail him every day.

And so life continues ...

An incredibly frustrating day with my son clinging to me most of the day, not eating because he's frightened he will be sick. I have not been able to do any reading or plan my lesson for tomorrow. I don't feel capable of doing those things. All I want is this to be over.

I have to face work tomorrow which I am dreading. The difficulties between the woman I work with and myself got worse before Easter as although she is being nicer to me after I threatened a bullying in the work place action, she still treats the children with coldness and disdain. I am not prepared to stand by and watch that so raised it in what was to be our last meeting with our line manager. If looks could have killed I would be stone dead.

So, all in all life is not a bundle of roses right now, if that's the right expression - I fear not.

At least I have managed to get an appointment for my son with the hypnotherapist. I really hope she is able to do something for him. He seems up for it, which is good.

I am feeling like such a bad mother. I have struggled with motherhood and right now although I am doing my best to be calm and loving I just want to scream. Surely I should be filled with compassion and caring concern? Actually I am just totally pissed off with the whole situation. I wonder if I am somehow to blame for all of it. Did I react in a way that triggered it all when my son threw up that night?

I am also really afraid that after 3 years of bloody hard work on my Degree course I am going to end up failing because of this.At the moment, on this module, I am averaging 89.75%, but I have an essay due in a week on Thursday and God knows how I am going to be able to write it.

I am one exhausted, frustrated woman.