Keeping going ...

I have written on my main blog about how I am feeling. I haven't gone into details particularly, just said that I am struggling and can see the signs of depression. Its not as bad as when I had PND, but I can feel it starting.9 months of first bullying and belittling at work and then, on top of that, my son's struggle with depression has taken its toll.

I told my husband that I had made an appointment to see our GP as I want to be honest with him.Part of me wishes I hadn't though as I don't want to put him under any more stress. It makes me feel that I need to try as hard as I can to appear normal. If people, including my husband, ask if I am ok I reply breezily " Yes thanks, I'm fine!"

But I am not. I went to football today and it was painful. It was the longest hour I have experienced in a long time. All I wanted to do was leave - just go and lie down on the side of the pitch. But I didn't because I need people to think I am ok. If I had said I was feeling ill it would have attracted more attention than struggling through the game. People don't want to know that the world is closing in on you and you just want to have it all stop.

Things got better. I went for a drink with the girls and in their company I came back to life. It is such a bloody effort though - planning things to do to keep me occupied, putting a smile on my face ...

I hate that after all these years I am back in this place - a place of muffled emptiness, where nothing has any point or purpose. I am only writing this because this is my honest place. In my real world I am keeping on - cooking tea, going to work, comforting my son, supporting my husband, working. I have to keep going for these next 12 days, until I have my doctor's appointment